JANUARY 3RD WTF HOLLYWOOD?

JANUARY 3RD 2010

WTF HOLLYWOOD?!?

I was disturbed to hear they are in the final stages of making a new version of the 1984 classic movie Red Dawn. In the original, with a young Patrick Swayze, the USA have been invaded by the Russia and Mexican mercenaries and the ‘greatest nation in the world’ has fallen. The story whilst still having some jingoistic U-S-A leanings is more about actual patriotism, the survival and rite of passage of a bunch of young kids having to learn everything from how to survive to how to fight and becoming heroes. I love this movie. Now they are remaking it, with some changes. Obviously Russia is no longer the threat it might have been when the original was made, so what would be the obvious threat? The Taliban? No, not plausible enough. No they have opted for an old American favourite. The Red Peril. Commies. In the new one the States will have be invaded by China. Given the state of the States these days, once more waving Communism around as a threat to democracy is like red rag to a bull (sorry couldn’t resist). But wait – there’s more!

There is also a big budget of ROBOCOP in the works.
They are remaking FOOTLOOSE (with Zach Efron in the Kevin Bacon role)
And FAME.
And ROMANCING THE STONE.
And BARBARELLA.
I am actually feeling a bit sick writing this list. Why would you need to remake Barbarella? Why not make an original piece of work that can become the new Barbarella? Fans of Horror films should be quite rightly horrified at the massive list of remakes of classic slasher flicks getting re-made, instead of coming up with new ones.

It is one of the saddest trends in movie history that Hollywood, that they don’t make new and innovative movies any more. They just go through old TV Guides looking for whatever b-grade TV shows nobody has picked over yet to turn into big CGI FX flicks. I mean what are they going to be making remakes of in 20 years time? Remakes of the current remakes? These include Rosemary’s Baby, Child’s Play, Hellraiser, Poltergiest, The Birds, The Thing, and the one that is doing my head in, is NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET which will NOT have Robert Englund as Freddy Krueger and has two words attached to the project guaranteed to set to the heart of any fan of the Elm Street on edge. Michael Bay. Michael Fuckin Bay. Have we learnt nothing people??

We’ll get back to the movie remakes in a tick. Also brace yourself for a Tsunami of big budget movies developed from much loved TV shows, including but not exclusive to
MAGNUM PI
THE JETSONS
THE A TEAM
MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE
THUNDERCATS
THE SWEENEY
CHiPS
FRAGGLE ROCK
THE SMURFS
MIGHTY MOUSE
KNIGHT RIDER
MIAMI VICE
KUNG FU

Think about the time, effort and MONEY involved in turning the Smurfs into a major motion picture. Does the world need a Thundercats movie? Stuff like CHiPS they are not even trying. Why not make a new movie about a couple of Highway patrol men. Why tag it to a thirty year old TV show that barely anybody even remembers? Did the Dukes of Hazzard movie make so much money they rushed to CHiPS next? I doubt it. Knight Rider is completely redundant now everybody has a talking car (GPS baby)! Why do they do it? Because the fat cats at the top of the movie making food chain, don’t know anything about movies (even low-brow ones) they only care about the bottom line of how much box office it will do in the first weekend. So if you take a cop movie to them and say it’s about to Highway patrolmen riding motorbikes and fighting the bad guys. Fat Cat goes ‘-------------------------------‘ until you say, like the TV series CHiPS and then the eyes light up, the palms rub together and deals are made.

But I have saved the worst til last. Even if you discount the mountain of bad idea remakes including remaking Valley Girl, The Neverending Story, Halloween, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Bad News Bears, TRON, Death Wish, Evil Dead, Karate Kid (although they are calling in Kung Fu Kid) , An American Werewolf In London, My Fair Lady, AKIRA (for god sake) and the Fritz Lang silent classic Metropolis. I find all these are merely just stupid and pointless re-makes. They are called ‘classics’ for a reason. The word Classic means “: serving as a standard of excellence : of recognized value”. Excellence. Does anybody in Hollywood remember what it is like to make an ‘excellent’ movie. It seems they are only interested in excellent opening weekend box office. Even if you ignore ALL of those, there are a five remakes in the works that make me want get on a plane go to Hollywood and STAB PEOPLE IN THE FACE.

So here is my top five most hated forthcoming remakes of films that are ABSOLUTELY PERFECT ALREADY and are in no need WHATSOEVER of being remade.

5. ROCK’N’ROLL HIGH SCHOOL – I can barely discuss the ridiculous notion of trying to make a new version of this Roger Corman film from 1979. Corman’s distinct, cheap and nasty, film making, his that’ll do style could never be replicated. And who would replace THE RAMONES? Good Charlotte? My Chemical Romance? Short Stack? I shudder to think. Dumb Idea Mr Hollywood.

4) ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK – *takes three deep breaths. Look it must be obvious to anybody that trying to remake Escape From New York (or it’s sequel Escape from LA) is a pointless exercise. Part of what makes these cult classics is the very fact they are relics from another time. In 1981 all that pseudo-futuristic bizzo was very ‘in’. The post apocalyptic, fetish wear, mutants with Mohawks, were de regur. Mad Max, Blade Runner, Class of 1984, Duran Duran’s Wild Boys. HOWEVER – this idea could be saved by not re-making Escape from New York, but making a BRAND NEW Snake Pliskin movie. Kurt Russell has still got it (see Death Proof) Escape from Old London, Escape from Hawaii, Escape from Kangaroo Island…pick NEW one – DON’T REMAKE AN OLD ONE.

3) HIGHLANDER - *grinds teeth to powder while gripping desk til knuckles are white deciding that he should go and find the producers and lop their heads off with a Japanese sword while shouting THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE. Okay I know they made another one, that didn’t make much sense and then there was that TV series that was quite good for what it was and there seemed to be ‘only one’ per episode, but we have the perfect Highlander movie already. It is perfect. Do you understand?

2) BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER - *hyperventilating with rage at this point. Do not misunderstand me. I LOVE BUFFY. I believe that the TV series is one of the most perfect works ever made. It looks like a fluffy little Beverley Hills 90210 with Vampires at first, but then you realise the layers, and the writing and the story arcs and the character arcs, and the way this tiny thing means nothing til two series later. It is the ultimate and complete television drama/action/fiction/fan boy package. We are currently re-watching Buffy and Angel for the umpteenth time. I was deeply sad when these shows ended. Not so much Angel, which was okay, but Angel is only really good when he’s Angelis and being all uber-evil and bitey. When he is Angel, he just looks sulky and he’s a bit wet. I even like the original stupid movie. It’s a dumb teen romp, that has little to do with the Buffy-verse that Joss created later, but it’s pretty cool. Understand me when I say, I would be going into conniptions if the proposed new movie was written and directed by Joss, with Sarah Michel Geller and all the gang back for some big screen showdown with a mega-bad. I say bring that on! BUT it turns out the people who made the goofy ass original film, retain the rights to make a new film and they are making noises like ‘re-imagining’. (starts sharpening his face stabbing blade). Especially as Vampires are ‘so hot right now’, the danger is they’ll rush something out that sucks balls on a major scale.

1) THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW - *steam starts exploding from ears, face goes crimson with rage, foaming at mouth while banging head on table, sparks fly from now razor sharp and white hot face stabbing blade, as I drag it on sharpening block, etc.,

Oh my God! THIS IS THE STUPIDEST IDEA EVER IN THE HISTORY OF STUPID IDEAS. If a team of stupid people, climbed to the highest and stupidest peak of Mount Stupid, this stupid idea would be at the peak. In 1975 The Rocky Horror Picture Show was released to lukewarm houses and reviews. But over the next few months and years something happened that we may never get the chance to see happen again. It grew a mammoth audience through late night screenings, audiences dressing up like the characters, making the whole thing interactive. The stage show continues to play to packed houses the world over and THIRTY FIVE YEARS LATER, the movie still looks glorious. The colours, the costumes, the songs, the performances, has not one microbe out of place. Deciding to remake RHPS is like going to the Louvre and saying ‘Yeah the Mona Lisa is good, but it’s a bit small and who is this Mona Lisa chick anyway. I am seeing a remake, with..Jennifer Aniston. And it needs to be a LOT bigger, like billboard sized, with CGI backgrounds….AND IN 3-D! Call the FX guys this afternoon I’ll start working on the product placement’.

What set Rocky Horror apart from everything else was that it wasn’t like anything else. It was a bit like a 1950’s b-grade horror movie, but it was a musical, it has science fiction, sex, fetishism, cannibalism, and it is really funny. A lot of why it works is because it is larger than life, and cartoon like (the cut always to the narrator with his Time Warp dance step chart, etc). Hollywood seems incapable of not going overboard with any one of these elements. The idea of them trying to re-invent this perfect wheel fills me with dread. It’s not even like the characters look horribly out of date. Brad & Janet look like a couple of squares, and everybody else Frank N-Furter, Magenta, Riff Raff are all perfectly over the top already. Could anybody ever top Tim Curry’s performance of Frank? I have seen a dozen stage versions and while I have enjoyed them all, nobody has ever come close to the perfection of Curry.

The money men just can’t resist the combination of known brand+CGI+big name stars = sure fire winner. I’m not saying there is no movie that should ever be remade. The Marvel adaptations have all been great, nobody needed to be stuck with the crappy 1970’s Spiderman. With the zillions of dollars they spend to make some of this crap surely they could develop some NEW classics, new chacters, new franchises. Even new ‘cult’ classics.

I should also say that the reason Rocky Horror made it to numbero uno on my list is only because it now appears that the rumours I have been hearing about absolute favourite movie of all time being remade this year, now appear to have been false. The original PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE was released a year before RHPS, and shares some similar elements. It has rock’n’roll music, a sinister bad guy, stunning costumes, and a dark sense of humour and story line that combines the musical svengali (Swan) following a Faust line of selling his soul for worldly wealth and power. He steals the work of a struggling songwriter who then wreaks a terrible revenge. I have watched this movie a hundred times easily. It was Brian DePalmas earliest feature film. It was never a huge hit (except for some weird reason in Winnepeg Canada where it was a huge cult hit – they still have conventions there for it etc), but it has a legion of fans around the world. If you have never seen it, you can get a dvd of it for under ten bucks and I would recommend you do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2n5qVJEg3qA

Will it ever end? These remakes, re-imaginings? In ten years will people go we should re-make those Lord of the Rings movies in plasticine stick figures coz that’s what the kids like these days. Will they remake all the Harry Potters films in hologram-vision. Let’s hope by then there has been a change of the guard in the Hollywood Hills and that new and innovative movies are once again gracing our screens (or whatever they will be using by then).

Don’t get me started on TV…….